The Open

It is my birthday today. 27 years have passed since I entered time and space. Tomorrow I will leave my apartment that I have resided in for two and a half years. Although I will be part of the group of people know as "homeless" by virtue of my circumstance, I will not refer to myself as such. I refuse to centralize my identity in my living situation.

In truth, as a Christian living in an apartment I was no more homeless than I will be tomorrow. I have a home, and it is not any where on this globe. It is in Heaven.

On Friday I hosted a party to celebrate my birthday and also leaving my life behind. I made the mistake of aiming for a big party, instead of an intimate party. I had a beggar mentality about it, trying to get as many people to come to my party as possible. I was let down and felt stressed before the party. I ended up drinking to much and feeling sorry for myself. The party was okay, but there was not the feeling of satisfaction and camaraderie that I had experienced in the past. I guess it is time to move on.

I spent the weekend in Puyallup again with Shantel's family. They gave me gifts and made me a cake. I got a knife, a metronome and $20. I felt loved. I started carving wood, and spent many hours doing so. We also played Guitar Hero, and I felt the self-pity arise again.

I have been nursing this notion that something horrific will befall me soon, since I am moving out into the open. I hate that feeling, and I believe that it is coming because I need to feel the emotions that have been welling up and I haven't taken the time to share those with God (or myself for that matter.)

New Horizons is an organization that I have volunteered at for the last two years. Recently I have become very involved and very heavy-hearted for the youth that come there to be reached with the Good News. I have strove for the Truth to be spoken and for the love of Jesus to be received by a lot of the kids that I have gotten to know. I've wept over them and cried out to my God on their behalf. On Friday I met with my supervisor to discuss changing jobs at New Horizons. I brought to light my future homelessness and he told me that I wouldn't be able to work for New Horizons any more. I asked him why and he told me some reasons that seemed very weak, but I had already conceded to letting my position go to be obedient.

After the conversation I felt like crying, but I was at the Street Bean and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. So I didn't. But I did sit with it all day. And now if feels stale, but the hurt is still there. I hope and pray to find a place to let it go, and soon. Even now. I can't keep on holding this in, because it comes out in anxiety and fear about the future.

I don't have all the things I need yet for the future. I don't have a sleeping bag. I don't have a functional tent. I don't have money. Not enough. But I have Jesus. I have Him and He can give me all that I need. And at this very moment I have all that I need. The purpose and mission that I have is fulfilled in my being alive, and Him living in me. This is always true, and no matter what I have I will rejoice, because circumstance and stuff do not control me. Jesus does.

It seems to me that if I don't acknowledge the hurts I have to God instead I will look for ways to express them in trumped up resentments and self pity. Thus I begin to look at the lack in my life rather than the abundance and then comes anxiety. Shoot, I gotta go pray.