The Open

It is my birthday today. 27 years have passed since I entered time and space. Tomorrow I will leave my apartment that I have resided in for two and a half years. Although I will be part of the group of people know as "homeless" by virtue of my circumstance, I will not refer to myself as such. I refuse to centralize my identity in my living situation.

In truth, as a Christian living in an apartment I was no more homeless than I will be tomorrow. I have a home, and it is not any where on this globe. It is in Heaven.

On Friday I hosted a party to celebrate my birthday and also leaving my life behind. I made the mistake of aiming for a big party, instead of an intimate party. I had a beggar mentality about it, trying to get as many people to come to my party as possible. I was let down and felt stressed before the party. I ended up drinking to much and feeling sorry for myself. The party was okay, but there was not the feeling of satisfaction and camaraderie that I had experienced in the past. I guess it is time to move on.

I spent the weekend in Puyallup again with Shantel's family. They gave me gifts and made me a cake. I got a knife, a metronome and $20. I felt loved. I started carving wood, and spent many hours doing so. We also played Guitar Hero, and I felt the self-pity arise again.

I have been nursing this notion that something horrific will befall me soon, since I am moving out into the open. I hate that feeling, and I believe that it is coming because I need to feel the emotions that have been welling up and I haven't taken the time to share those with God (or myself for that matter.)

New Horizons is an organization that I have volunteered at for the last two years. Recently I have become very involved and very heavy-hearted for the youth that come there to be reached with the Good News. I have strove for the Truth to be spoken and for the love of Jesus to be received by a lot of the kids that I have gotten to know. I've wept over them and cried out to my God on their behalf. On Friday I met with my supervisor to discuss changing jobs at New Horizons. I brought to light my future homelessness and he told me that I wouldn't be able to work for New Horizons any more. I asked him why and he told me some reasons that seemed very weak, but I had already conceded to letting my position go to be obedient.

After the conversation I felt like crying, but I was at the Street Bean and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. So I didn't. But I did sit with it all day. And now if feels stale, but the hurt is still there. I hope and pray to find a place to let it go, and soon. Even now. I can't keep on holding this in, because it comes out in anxiety and fear about the future.

I don't have all the things I need yet for the future. I don't have a sleeping bag. I don't have a functional tent. I don't have money. Not enough. But I have Jesus. I have Him and He can give me all that I need. And at this very moment I have all that I need. The purpose and mission that I have is fulfilled in my being alive, and Him living in me. This is always true, and no matter what I have I will rejoice, because circumstance and stuff do not control me. Jesus does.

It seems to me that if I don't acknowledge the hurts I have to God instead I will look for ways to express them in trumped up resentments and self pity. Thus I begin to look at the lack in my life rather than the abundance and then comes anxiety. Shoot, I gotta go pray.

Rainy day, much to do...

Today I met with Kenzie Brister at the Crumpet Cafe. I had a freaking crumpet!

We talked about God. We talked about what it means that Jesus lives in us and that we are somehow changed entirely by faith in Him. It was an uplifting conversation. I talked a lot and she listened. I need people who listen well. She had some very good thoughts to offer up.

I talked to a man who was canvasing for "Save the Children". He told me that he had just talked to a religious nut. I told him I was a religious nut. Then I told him about Jesus. He said he was spiritual. I told him that I could love anyone because of the power of Christ in me. It was a good conversation, and also the first time a canvasser ended the conversation before I did.

I got some books at the library (where I am now) about the Alexander Technique, "The world-renowned system of mind-body coordination". I am excited to find what wisdom is to be had there.

Today I will meet Jeremy Valencourt's mom. She is treating us to Thai food.

The end of the month is swiftly approaching and the camping excursion is about to begin. I will be homeless and rent-free. I am excited though many of the details have yet to materialize. I have faith that God will provide amply for the journey ahead. He has supplied me quite well for the last 26 years, so I expect no change, save for more extravagant blessings.

I rejoice, and He lifts my spirit within his own. Today is a glorious day of discovery and the mystery of God continues to incite me with unending joy!

Details.

This is a blog of incidence.

Intention: to tell my story with as little editorializing as possible.

Today.

I am at New Horizons. I am blogging. I am writing this to keep anybody interested in the happenings of my life informed.

Today I will go to the Artist's Way group that I started. We are in Week Three. I am going to be homeless at the end of the month by choice. I don't know exactly why I have chose this and haven't clarified a succinct answer for those who want to know. But I know in my heart that I seek God and my feet carry me to Him and carry out His will.

I am choosing to ignore my doubts today and assume that God will bring me all that I ask for because I am trusting him to. Also I choose to live as though all that I could ask for has already been given to me, because He promises this in the Bible and if I have faith I may as well rejoice now, because I believe He will fulfill all His promises.

I need a tent. I need a sleeping bag. I need a bicycle to ride across the country. I need a place to pitch my tent. I need a tarp. I need a knife. I need money to pay my bills. I need inspiration to write songs. I need God's spirit inside of me.

He has given me all these things. I don't hold them in my hands presently, but I will have all that I ask for because He is faithful and His name is good.

Therefore I rejoice.

I want to marry Shantel. I asked her Dad for permission to do so. He gave his blessing. I rejoiced.

I told my parents. They were apprehensive. They think I am moving too fast. They think that I'm not ready for marriage. They think that I need to wait and go slower. They don't understand that I take every moment as it comes to me and I am receiving all that God gives me as fast as He wants to give it.

I am happy. I am secure. I am certain of God's faithfulness.

I intend to ride my bicycle down the Pacific Coast Highway with Shantel in August after her sister, Leilonie's wedding. Their mother asked me to play in the wedding after she heard me play for her and her family this weekend in Puyallup, WA where they live. Shantel and I will go to Christian Summer Camp in Fresno, CA. It is a gathering of traveling Christians who want to praise God in the woods for a week. God-willing we will be there.

All of my plans are contingent on God's words spoken to me, and subject to change as he instructs me. I will be obedient to Him as His spirit in me enables me to be. I have full faith that all will come to good for me, because I trust Him. He has put faith in me that is of His spirit and cannot be shaken. Praise God!

More to come.