Week one of homelessness complete. I've slept in doorways mostly with a night on a couch and a few nights at Shantel's. Life is good, though I realized I am very tired. I'm acclimating to this new lifestyle and not sure that I have reached a level of comfort yet. I am confident that I can. Last night I let my anxiety go and had a minor tantrum. God was faithful and restored me to sanity and peace. I am still pretty dirty though.
This weekend Shantel and I went to a wedding on Vashon Island. It was a lovely prelude to our own. I was so impressed by the atmosphere during this celebration. The feel of it was very much how I want my wedding to be. Maybe fewer people though. Wedding planning is fun!
That's all for now.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Yes!
I asked Shantel to marry me. We went to Alki Beach in West Seattle and had a picnic. It was cloudy and sprinkling. We ate cheese and bread and a mango that was too ripe. Then I asked her if she wanted to go for a stroll.
We walked down toward a staircase and I told her that I was going to read her the poem that I had wrote a week ago. So I started, and I read down to the last line, and then I got down on one knee. I read the last line which asked her to marry me. She started screaming and asking if I was serious. She was shocked. Then she got down on her knees with me and said yes and I gave the ring that I had carved for her early that week. I died. She said yes. We are going to get married!
We walked down toward a staircase and I told her that I was going to read her the poem that I had wrote a week ago. So I started, and I read down to the last line, and then I got down on one knee. I read the last line which asked her to marry me. She started screaming and asking if I was serious. She was shocked. Then she got down on her knees with me and said yes and I gave the ring that I had carved for her early that week. I died. She said yes. We are going to get married!
Real
Yesterday was Day One of real homelessness. I started out the day by packing up all my things I thought I would need at Shantel's and venturing out, feeling thoroughly naked though I was carrying probably 50 pounds of stuff. I rode a bus to Belltown and then I check out of my apartment. It was awkward saying goodbye to the property manager, Steve, whom I never really got to know over two and a half years of living there.
There was a army backpack that I wanted to buy at the Army Navy surplus store so that I could consolidate my belongings into one pack, but it was 10 dollars more than I had. I went to the bus tunnel with a homeless man Bobby Jack, who I met on the way. He showed me where I can get free bread at any time of the day. Munching bread we arrived at the bus tunnel and I played a set till I had enough for the backpack.
After I got the pack I loaded everything into it and started toward the library. The reality of my lack of dwelling was starting to set in. I felt this struggle to not feel like I was detached from society. I can't put my finger on how it felt during the day, but something about my identity was changing, like I'd changed the plane of existence that I was on.
After I dinked around at the library I wandered over to a grocery store and bought a green pepper, an avocado and some dates. I ate them at I walked toward Belltown. On the way I met some people who attend SPU who are non-Christians. I asked them why and then I told them I was a street preacher of sorts, and told them my message. They all thought it was great and then I asked them why they weren't Christians. They didn't have answers.
I sat at Uptown Espresso and prayed for a bit. I was exhausted at this point but in good spirits. I brushed my teeth and washed my face in the bathroom then I left to find a place to sleep. It was dark at this point.
I got where I was going and bedded down in a doorway of a store near Aurora. I put on my long underwear and covered myself with a towel, since I left my blanket at Shantel's on accident. I was just about asleep when I saw light from under my eyelids and heard a man shouting wake up. I was up and friendly. I left. I wandered through Westlake and searched for another spot. I found one and bedded down, now thoroughly exhausted.
I woke up about an hour later and was shivering badly. I tried to get warmer by added more clothing, but after about an half hour of trying I got up and walked on. I ended at a spot near my old apartment and tried to sleep again. It was bad sleep if you could even call it that. I heard people walking by, there were lights shining on my face and I was afraid for a myriad of scenarios that were assaulting my mind, never mind the cold. I sat up, utterly frustrated and failing despite earnest attempts to bring the sufficiency of Christ to reign. I was miserable. Then a cop came.
He told me that I had to move on because I was trespassing. I asked him where I could go. He said knew it was unfortunate. At this point tears started streaming down my face involuntarily. I was glad he couldn't see my face. I got up and left. I walked and cried while whispering "I can't do this" over and over. I floundered in my thoughts to see how God could be in this. I tried to listen to him, to hear what he wanted me to do, some magic place where I wouldn't be found or freeze.
I kept wandering. This time I ended at the market. I curled up in this perfect space behind some weeds under a staircase where my guitar and pack and body couldn't be seen from the parking lot below. I added yet more clothing and slept until the cold woke me again. By the time I woke the sky was getting slightly lighter, and I hope that it was morning.
I got on a bus after sitting at the stop for maybe an hour. By then it was light and I rode the entire circuit of the route 16, which took an hour and a half. I slept the whole ride lightly, but it seemed to pass quickly. The back of the bus was cold but better than the outdoors. I was slightly refreshed and I started toward the Union Gospel Mission for breakfast though I wasn't hungry. I wanted somewhere to be.
At the Mission I had to listen to a sermon before I got breakfast. I was very simple. A testimony about Jesus being a friend to the man preaching. My heart was fraying and tears started streaming. I dripped them on my glasses because I didn't want the man to see me crying for fear I would have to explain my situation to him. Then I ate breakfast in silence and left.
Day Two has been a hazy dream. I found my way to the Urban Rest Stop where I washed all my clothes and took a badly needed shower. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was looking kind of pregnant in spite of the last grueling 24 hours of packing around way too much gear and feeling lost. At the Urban Rest Stop I met three men who are Christians. I talked to them for a bit feeling totally unable to converse.
Tonight I will sleep at the Bread of Life Mission and pray desperately against self-pity, which has been the chief adversary of this journey so far. I'm certain it will be easy when I better rested. God will prevail. And I don't reek any more. For now at least.
There was a army backpack that I wanted to buy at the Army Navy surplus store so that I could consolidate my belongings into one pack, but it was 10 dollars more than I had. I went to the bus tunnel with a homeless man Bobby Jack, who I met on the way. He showed me where I can get free bread at any time of the day. Munching bread we arrived at the bus tunnel and I played a set till I had enough for the backpack.
After I got the pack I loaded everything into it and started toward the library. The reality of my lack of dwelling was starting to set in. I felt this struggle to not feel like I was detached from society. I can't put my finger on how it felt during the day, but something about my identity was changing, like I'd changed the plane of existence that I was on.
After I dinked around at the library I wandered over to a grocery store and bought a green pepper, an avocado and some dates. I ate them at I walked toward Belltown. On the way I met some people who attend SPU who are non-Christians. I asked them why and then I told them I was a street preacher of sorts, and told them my message. They all thought it was great and then I asked them why they weren't Christians. They didn't have answers.
I sat at Uptown Espresso and prayed for a bit. I was exhausted at this point but in good spirits. I brushed my teeth and washed my face in the bathroom then I left to find a place to sleep. It was dark at this point.
I got where I was going and bedded down in a doorway of a store near Aurora. I put on my long underwear and covered myself with a towel, since I left my blanket at Shantel's on accident. I was just about asleep when I saw light from under my eyelids and heard a man shouting wake up. I was up and friendly. I left. I wandered through Westlake and searched for another spot. I found one and bedded down, now thoroughly exhausted.
I woke up about an hour later and was shivering badly. I tried to get warmer by added more clothing, but after about an half hour of trying I got up and walked on. I ended at a spot near my old apartment and tried to sleep again. It was bad sleep if you could even call it that. I heard people walking by, there were lights shining on my face and I was afraid for a myriad of scenarios that were assaulting my mind, never mind the cold. I sat up, utterly frustrated and failing despite earnest attempts to bring the sufficiency of Christ to reign. I was miserable. Then a cop came.
He told me that I had to move on because I was trespassing. I asked him where I could go. He said knew it was unfortunate. At this point tears started streaming down my face involuntarily. I was glad he couldn't see my face. I got up and left. I walked and cried while whispering "I can't do this" over and over. I floundered in my thoughts to see how God could be in this. I tried to listen to him, to hear what he wanted me to do, some magic place where I wouldn't be found or freeze.
I kept wandering. This time I ended at the market. I curled up in this perfect space behind some weeds under a staircase where my guitar and pack and body couldn't be seen from the parking lot below. I added yet more clothing and slept until the cold woke me again. By the time I woke the sky was getting slightly lighter, and I hope that it was morning.
I got on a bus after sitting at the stop for maybe an hour. By then it was light and I rode the entire circuit of the route 16, which took an hour and a half. I slept the whole ride lightly, but it seemed to pass quickly. The back of the bus was cold but better than the outdoors. I was slightly refreshed and I started toward the Union Gospel Mission for breakfast though I wasn't hungry. I wanted somewhere to be.
At the Mission I had to listen to a sermon before I got breakfast. I was very simple. A testimony about Jesus being a friend to the man preaching. My heart was fraying and tears started streaming. I dripped them on my glasses because I didn't want the man to see me crying for fear I would have to explain my situation to him. Then I ate breakfast in silence and left.
Day Two has been a hazy dream. I found my way to the Urban Rest Stop where I washed all my clothes and took a badly needed shower. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was looking kind of pregnant in spite of the last grueling 24 hours of packing around way too much gear and feeling lost. At the Urban Rest Stop I met three men who are Christians. I talked to them for a bit feeling totally unable to converse.
Tonight I will sleep at the Bread of Life Mission and pray desperately against self-pity, which has been the chief adversary of this journey so far. I'm certain it will be easy when I better rested. God will prevail. And I don't reek any more. For now at least.
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